Relationships Boundaries and Doubts

North shore Kauai November 2014.

My relationships have always lasted a long time, and some ended for one reason or another.  Once again I am single and I am trying to put together what I have learned so far in my life about relationships.  Specifically, how you go about them and how you do not.

There are just some ways you do not do things my grandfather would have scolded.  We are in an age of trail blazing though.  Everyone wants to break the mold of how things have been done for centuries and find new ways.  We are an experimental culture that is constantly seeking a better way than our parents.

When I was young I dug myself
into a lot more holes.

There was a method to the ways of old.  Especially when it comes to dating. There are benchmarks that have to be met in order to qualify the relationship.  If you move too quickly you will put your heart in jeopardy and that feeling of falling in love will turn upside down in pain in an instant.

Only one solution exist to protect our heart, that one solution used throughout all stages of a relationship is boundaries. When we need space that is a boundary. When we feel upset and hurt we have allowed someone to cross a boundary with our hearts. Boundaries should not be used as fences to keep others out, but rather triggers that you can move past once your heart is ready.

Somebody will not hurt you if they are sleeping with someone else unless you have developed a relationship with them that would have sex as a possible interest.  If you are sleeping with that person then it is cheating.  It is because you allowed them into your heart and now you are hurt. You failed to set a boundary when you saw signs.

Cheating is not the cause of any breakup but a symptom of a bad relationship.  When someone invest their heart into you they cannot share this intimacy with another. If that person does not have that interest in you in the first place you must wonder why they are with you.  You may not be in the role in this persons relationship that you want to be.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
~ Rumi

Boundaries

Hawk soars over boundaries. Diamond Mine Hike 2015

Kissing

Once you have engaged in kissing you are already sexually interested in the person.  Some people can have sex without kissing, but never do people kiss without considering sex.

This is a boundary.  Once you have kissed someone you have established a connection of chemistry. Whether you want to go farther is already determined at this point.  This is a trigger, or boundary.

Sex

The trigger tells you to consider the next step.  If you get to this point and have sex then emotionally you have reached another very important boundary.  Sex often happens before trust, but without trust sex cannot last very long.

This trigger makes you consider this very thing.  Unless you have already determined that you have no interest in the relationship other than sex you will most likely start evaluating a future with this person.  Time is the only way to build trust.  Sex is a trust boundary.

Slow shutter speed driving through Los Angeles at night. 

Relationship

Your relationship is building every moment you are in each others lives.  As long as you know each other you will hear about what is going on in their lives. Building this relationship requires communication.  If the communication comes easy as it does in a good relationship you will carry on with each other for hours. You will be interested in their lives and want to be there for them.

Falling in Love

This is a whole different animal.  Not everyone is easy to love.  Building history with someone can build into a long relationship realizing they are in love without falling into it. Falling in love refers to the magnitude of the initial attraction. The clank of two magnets connecting. 

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
~ Joan Crawford

Very strong chemistry can take control of your life.  In the ecstasy of falling in love you will most likely not have a chance but to move forward fast.

When love is not madness, it is not love.
~ Spanish Proverb

Like any building that is constructed in haste you will not have a foundation. Arranged marriages work through this same turmoil over time.  Suddenly you are with someone you must trust whether you believe they are worthy of it. Control becomes an issue and some of these relationships will last a lifetime, love is built but they may or may not fall in love.

Relationship path brainstorm.

If you ever want to sleep well at night, don't marry a young beautiful woman.
~ American Indian Saying

Commitment

Sun over the Arizona Desert 2010. 

If you move in with a girlfriend without a commitment you will be poisoning your relationship.
Especially if you move in quickly. You will suddenly wonder if you can trust this person.  You will probably not know how they act around their friends.  At this point you are too late to resolve any jealous feelings without causing a fight.

Say you move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend and throw a party.  Sometime during the night you see them kiss an ex.  Everybody goes home and when you discuss the situation you have no room to run.  Your boundaries are all crossed. Having jealous feelings at this point is going to hurt the other person as well as you. Since hurt people hurt people you will most likely be sleeping in bed mad with the other for not being sympathetic for your feelings, or you them.

Doubts

It is not what you do in life, but how you do it and why.  When you first enter into a relationship you must be able to make a commitment.  If you or the other person is married either on paper or physically living with someone the relationship can never get a full commitment.

If you suspect a man do not employ him, if you employ him do not suspect him.
~ Chinese Proverb

Same goes for relationships of any sort.  Never doubt going into a relationship.

We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men and women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important task of life do we arrange such a "getaway". We cannot love and be limited.
~ Alfred Adler